The Woes of Orochimaru
by Lil' DeiDei
Summary: Orochimaru visits his psychiatrist after the invasion of Konoha fails. As he pours his heart out to the shrink, we see a different side to the villain than the anime or manga have ever shown! No pairings. Complete.
1. Chapter 1

The following story is brought to you by Jill's strange and slightly demented mind. The ideas within are all her own, but the characters are property of Masashi Kishimoto.

This story takes place after the failed attempt to invade Konoha in Part I.

**The Woes of Orochimaru**

The psychiatrist looked at his watch and sighed, an action luckily missed by Orochimaru.

Said villain lay on the red shrink-couch in the office, blowing his nose loudly into the tissue he had grabbed from the box on the desk next to him.

"No one understands," Orochimaru whined. "I am trying to be evil and take over Konoha, and force my regime upon them, but it just isn't as easy as I was hoping. And Kabuto is acting really strange lately," he continued, completely oblivious to the fact that his psychiatrist was drafting detailed plans in his notebook to kill himself. "First, he is taking longer and longer to respond when I ask him the simplest of questions. The other day, I asked him to brush my hair. There was a big knot near my neck that I just couldn't reach and when Kabuto came in, asked him to do it for me, and he started brushing from the top of my head, which was going to destroy all that hard work that I have put into my hair over the years. Of course, I stopped him automatically, using my tongue, and and he got angry with me!" Orochimaru was whining again.

His psychiatrist began writing his suicide note.

"So I was like, 'Kabuto, you have to do this properly! How many times have I told you to start at the bottom!' Then I made a careless remark to him, 'Honestly, for a guy with long hair, you don't brush very well.' Well, he stormed out of the room and I had to take care of that knot all by myself. And that was the day we were going to annihilate that dagnammit leaf place, too. I am just having such a bad day!" the "villain" said.

The psychiatrist involuntarily grunted, which Orochimaru, darn him, took as encouragement to keep talking.

"I mean, I understand Kabuto's irritation (_No you don't!_, the psychiatrist screamed in his head) because his hair sucks and mine is great (_God help me!_), but he doesn't have to be so mean about it. Last night, I caught him standing over me with a kunai, and I just _knew _he was trying to cut my hair off—my long, beautiful hair! He was going to make me, Orochimaru, one of the Three Legendary Sannin, bald! The horrors!" Orochimaru said in a serious tone.

The psychiatrist gagged on his own spit, a suicide method **not** on his list.

"Are you OK?" Orochimaru asked, finally paying attention to the man he harassed with his problems on a weekly basis.

The psychiatrist nodded, then, taking quick advantage of the lapse in chatter from the pale man on the sofa, he said, "Why don't you talk about after the invasion?"

"OK," Orochimaru said happily. "When we got back after the invasion, I obviously had to take a shower, and I had Tayuya do my hair since Kabuto is clearly incapable of doing it right." Orochimaru sniffed delicately. "She, on the other hand, did a grand job. Look at that shine!" Orochimaru exclaimed, primping his hair. "Too bad that dorky cloud kid and his wind-using girl friend had to kill her."

The psychiatrist groaned.

"Sasuke's fight was awesome, wasn't it? I hope he doesn't have a lot of scars from it, though. Oh my goodness, what if he doesn't use Herbal Essences Fortification Pink and Fruity Shampoo and Conditioner? Aaaaaaaaaagh!"

As Orochimaru screamed at the thought of his new container using the wrong shampoo, the psychiatrist stood up and walked to his desk. Pulling a 9mm handgun out of the usually locked top drawer (except during Orochimaru's sessions), the psychiatrist put the gun to his head and pulled the trigger. Except he couldn't put it all the way to his head and as soon as he pulled the trigger, a sand wall came up to block the bullet, sending it flying around the room.

Orochimaru continued talking, ignoring the sand and bullets ricocheting off the walls, as Gaara the psychiatrist fired off multiple bullets in an attempt to kill himself. _Why on earth did I decide to become a psychiatrist?_ he thought. _Darn__ you, Naruto, for making me explore my em__o__tions!_

"Sasuke does have beautiful hair, though," Gaara heard Orochimaru say. He sighed as he put the gun back, reminding himself to purchase more bullets for next week. He sat back down, defeated.

"He needs a new do, though. I mean, it is a great way to eliminate split ends, but I mean, can you say 'Elongated Chicken-Butt?'" Orochimaru giggled as if this was the funniest thing ever.

It is at times like these when Gaara is grateful for all the time he has spent with the One-Tailed Shukaku, if only because he already knows what insanity is like.

"When I get Sasuke's body, I am going to give him a whole new look. Hhmm, I should start planning for that. I remember when I got this body. Darn, did I have to do some work! I am telling you, this guy had full-on buck teeth!"

"That's great," Gaara said, "but can we get back to after the invasion? And after you had your hair done?" Gaara quickly added to avoid a re-discussion of Orochimaru's hair.

"Of course," Orochimaru said, once he stopped blinking.

_Did he just apply more makeup or was he just surprised?_ Gaara thought.

"Sorry, my eyeliner was coming off. Anyway, Sasuke is like a super-good fighter and once I convince him to come to me for power, I can take over his body! Hooray!" Orochimaru clapped his hands delightedly. "I have to wait three years first, of course."

Normally, Gaara would have nodded sympathetically, but instead he went back to scribbling death plans in his notebook, only this time, they were for Orochimaru.

"Then I can really take over Konoha! But what am I going to do about Kabuto? I rely on him, believe it or not, for more than just hair and makeup assistance." Orochimaru sat up, a serious look on his face. "He is a true fighter, also."

_At least he didn't do that creepy tongue-thing this time_, Gaara thought.

"Oh, I know! I'll throw him a sleepover! We can get manicures and makeovers, watch romantic comedies, and eat caramel pop corn!"

Gaara blinked. Then he quietly stood up and went to the adjoining bathroom. He opened the medicine cabinet and took out all the bottles and containers and brought them back to his office. He poured everything into his blender and put it on at top speed to drown out the noise of Orochimaru talking about his favorite nail polish colors.

He poured the drug-juice down his throat and then licked the inside of the container. He waited for it to kill him as Orochimaru began discussing the merits of Pearly Purple Shininess.

It didn't work. In much the same way as the Nine-Tailed Demon Fox keeps Naruto alive and heals him quickly, the Shukaku fought the drug cocktail and Gaara only farted once as a result of the Shukaku's efforts and the drug-juice potion.

"Wow," Orochimaru said, "that looks painful." He was staring at Gaara's clenched fists and red face (which Gaara involuntarily did to get the fart out) when he caught a whiff of the fart. "Dagnammit," he said.

Gaara couldn't smell it himself (probably thanks to the Shukaku again), but he guessed from Orochimaru's sudden speechlessness that it smelt pretty bad.

The room was silent for a moment.

"What do you want to say about the last week?" Gaara the psychiatrist asked, ignoring the awkward atmosphere.

"Ooh, well, let's see. Oh, I know, let's talks about getting Sasuke! I sent those four ninja back to Konoha to get him and remind him of the cursed seal, and I am actually glad the Konoha ninja defeated them all. I can't have crappy ninja working for meeee," he said, waggling a finger and emphasizing the 'e' in 'me.' "Also, their deaths showed me something important."

Gaara sat up, expecting Orochimaru to talk about how the shinobi of Konoha are very good to be able to defeat his best guards, but he realized that was stupid thought as soon as Orochimaru said, "I don't even remember their names! Well, I remember Tayuya (_Cause of the hair_, Gaara thought) cause she did my hair (_Surprise, surprise!_) but the other three, the fat guy, Two-Heads, and Iruka-wannabe, I have no clue what their names are. Not that it matters. Clearly, they were not memorable enough. Maybe, if they just spent less time training and more time grooming, it would be better. Like that pink-haired girl from Konoha." Gaara suppressed a laugh.

"At least Kimimaro, Kami rest his soul, understood the importance of maintaining a good complexion and strong bones."

Gaara could not help it. The gurgly-laugh left his mouth anyway.

Orochimaru continued talking. "Of course, Kimimaro was weakened by whatever illness he had, so I guess it did not matter about his hair" the man said sadly. "Ooh, you know who has really great hair? Besides myself, " he added, feigning modestly. "Hatake Kakashi! I have always wanted to get my hair to stand up like that but it never works. I wonder who his hair dresser is?" Orochimaru seemed to ponder this as Gaara reviewed his suicide plans. He had already tried two...

"Kakashi and Mitarashi Anko must use the same hair gel. Her pony tail is also gravity-defying, same as that Shikamaru kid, too," Orochimaru muttered. "Or maybe they all do some strange jutsu to their hair?"

"Does it matter?" Gaara asked sharply.

Orochimaru glared at him. "Of course it _matters_," he said. Gaara could almost feel the italics in his voice. He tried not to wince.

"Good hair is an essential part of being a ninja. Take Tsuchi Kin, for instance, my father former subordinate who I unfortunately had to kill to invade Konoha (_And we all know how that went_, Gaara thought evilly.). Her hair was long but not as shiny as that Sakura girl. Thus, no one, wanted to help her and I had to kill her."

Gaara decided to try the third method on his list. _If it doesn't work, I'm killing him!_ The redhaired psychiatrist thought.

He retrieved a rope from the drawer beneath the one holding the gun and stood on his desk to tie it to the hook he had installed yesterday.

"When Anko was my student, I tried to get her to follow me, and I even gave her a seal and taught her some of my moves but she refuses to use the seal at all. I think her hair has something to do with it. The better a person's own hair is, the more resistant they are to my own charms." Orochimaru smiled what he thought was a seductive manner, but as Gaara looked up from the noose he was fastening around his neck, he couldn't help but wonder how Orochimaru had learned to smile in a manner so similar to the Cheshire cat grin of Naruto.

Gaara quickly jumped off the desk, waiting to hear his neck snap. He mentally twiddled his thumbs, wondering how long exactly a hanging took.

_Baka!_ The one-tailed Shukaku screamed at him. _Will you stop trying to kill yourself?_

_Get that sand out from under my feet._

The Shukaku refused, so Gaara was left standing on a pile of firm sand with a rope loosely around his neck, listening as Orochimaru talked about how hard he (sniff) worked to get people to (sniff-sniff) listen to him.

"I even took Evil Classes!"

_Oh Kami,_ thought Gaara, as he moved back onto the desk to untie the rope.

"We learned how to talk, dance, and sing."

"Huh? Dance and sing? In evil classes?" Gaara could not believe this, and he was not sure if he should laugh, cry, or run away screaming.

"Well, yeah, there are some villains who need to be able to burst into song every now and then. Though I've never used it. I was top in the class," he said brightly.

Gaara stared, holding the rope from his third attempt in his hands.

"But, that did create a few problems for me. The pseudonym I chose seems to have been the name of some singer with a famous Halloween song. _Thrilling_, or something like that. Anyway, you would not believe how many times people ask me for my autograph, only to realize I am not the guy they want. Though I have no problems with signing stuff for people as I am a famous villain."

Gaara smiled when he remembered his list and decided it was time he tried one of the other plans. Quickly wrapping the rope around his elbow from his hand, he hopped off his desk, and walked over to Orochimaru, the singing, laughing, dancing villain.

_If Orochimaru wore more green_, Gaara thought,_ you could easily replace "villain" with "happy elf."_ Except Orochimaru was not actually singing, but that was beside the point. As a psychiatrist, Gaara recognized the potential was there.

He walked towards Orochimaru, who lay oblivious on the sofa, once again rattling off about some topic Gaara had heard many times before from the pale, white man. About how, in another place, people thought he was some man named Vanderbilt.

"They called me an evil wizard. I had no clue what the heck that kid was talking about, but I still can't get his face out of my head. He had a scar on his forehead," Orochimaru said aloud while Gaara said it in his head. "And, he kept calling me 'Vanderbilt' and told me to stop the snakes or else." Gaara was perfectly on time with Orochimaru. "So of course I used a water prison technique on the dumb brats so they would stop trying to poke me with their sticks—honestly, who do they think I am—but the stupid girl managed to get out with the redhead kid and—hey, what are you doing?"

Orochimaru finally noticed the rope around his neck that Gaara was pulling tighter and tighter.

"Is this a new ninjutsu therapy?" Orochimaru asked brightly.


	2. Chapter 2

The following story is brought to you by Jill's strange and slightly demented mind. The ideas within are all her own, but the characters are property of Masashi Kishimoto.

I decided there was more to Orochimaru's personal issues than I covered in the last chapter, so I wrote this one. =D

**The Woes of Orochimaru Part II**

Recap:

"_They called me an evil wizard. I had no clue what the heck that kid was talking about, but I still can't get his face out of my head. He had a scar on his forehead," Orochimaru said aloud while Gaara said it in his head. "And, he kept calling me 'Vanderbilt' and told me to stop the snakes or else." Gaara was perfectly on time with Orochimaru. "So of course I used a water prison technique on the dumb brats so they would stop trying to poke me with their sticks—honestly, who do they think I am—but the stupid girl managed to get out with the redhead kid and—hey, what are you doing?"_

_Orochimaru finally noticed the rope around his neck that Gaara was pulling tighter and tighter._

"_Is this a new ninjutsu therapy?" Orochimaru asked brightly._

Gaara tightened the rope and turned away from the villain, ignoring the man's question.

Until Orochimaru started humming. Then Gaara turned back around, a look of incredulity on his face. "You're _humming_?" he asked.

"Of course," the man replied back chirpily. Gaara's stomach churned. Using the word "chirpily" in the same sentence as Orochimaru conjured up very unpleasant images for the redhead.

"Why?" Gaara asked even though he did not really want to know the answer. The silence seemed to demand it, however.

"Because," Orochimaru explained, still looking stupidly happy, "I am putting my Villain Classes to good use. And I like humming," he added.

Gaara's mind instantly filled with images of Orochimaru humming...everywhere. While cooking, showering, dressing, fighting. _Wait, in the shower! I just imagined Orochimaru in the __**shower**__? __**HUMMMING?**_ "Gaaaaaaaaaah!" Gaara screamed, clutching his head in agony as he tried to clear the terrible images from his brain.

Orochimaru just stared at him placidly from the couch. "Something wrong, psychiatrist-sama?" he asked.

Gaara continued to scream.

Orochimaru uncrossed his folded hands and began removing the rope from his neck. "Hmm," he muttered, "this reminds me of that movie where the psychiatrist tries to blow the man up and the man says that he has worked himself into a knot and must untie it to work out his problems." Orochimaru felt the knot. "Is this like that?" he asked Gaara.

Gaara was still screaming.

Orochimaru sighed. He reached a hand up to the knot and felt its complex structure. "I suppose I am to figure this out for myself, then?" he asked Gaara, not really expecting a reply.

Gaara suddenly stopped screaming with an evil glint in his eye. The Shukaku laughed manically inside him, but Gaara ignored it. He smiled wickedly at Orochimaru.

"Yes, it is just like that movie."

Orochimaru frowned. "Really? Because in the movie, the man also had a cooler full of dynamite around his neck." He looked around to see if he could spot a cooler anywhere.

Gaara's grin grew. "Oh, yes, I forgot that part! Please excuse me one moment!" Laughing in a manner very similar to the way Orochimaru was taught in his Evil Classes, Gaara opened the third drawer on his Dresser of Death and retrieved as many explosive tags as he could carry.

Orochimaru watched from the couch, looking pleased with all the progress he was making in his therapy sessions. "Gaara-sama," he said, "you didn't happen to take Evil Lessons, too, did you?" At Gaara's quick glance, Orochimaru continued. "You have the Manic Villain Laugh down very well," he complimented the shrink.

Gaara floated over to the sofa on a layer of sand and began attaching the explosive tags to the Snake Summoner. Orochimaru shifted slightly to give Gaara a better opportunity to make sure the tags really stuck. After all, Orochimaru really wanted to work out his problems.

Gaara laughed manically again and stepped back to smirk at his work. Explosive tags were plastered all over Orochimaru's body, more so than Gaara's Aunt—_Uncle_—Yashamaru, had had when he tried to kill young Gaara.

If Deidara had seen this before the Akatsuki went jinchūriki hunting, he probably would not have tried to kill a fellow Blast Master artist.

Orochimaru looked at his body and frowned. "Are you sure that's enough?" he asked. "I really want to be sure this therapy works. I mean, I have a lot of problems to solve."

Gaara was surprised, but complied anyway. _Who am I to turn down a patient's request?_ he thought as his eyes took up the evil glint again and he stuck more tags on top of the ones already attached to the pale man's clothing. "Oh, yes," he said as he worked, "I agree entirely."

His patient looked up at him. "You do?" Orochimaru asked.

Gaara nodded as he overlapped even more explosive tags onto Orochimaru. "Yes, you definitely have problems," Gaara said.

"Oh, I'm so pleased!" Orochimaru happily cried out. "To think that I have a psychiatrist who recognizes my problems and takes them and me seriously! Every other shrink I've been to turned me down as soon as I told them I wanted Sasuke's body. Honestly, I still don't see what's so wrong with that." The villain frowned. "One man even threatened to have me put on the Sex Offenders list for paedophilia. I am not a paedophile! I just love young boys with bloodlines!" he declared vehemently.

"…" Gaara blinked. "You do realize how that came out, don't you?" he asked the villain on the sofa, pausing in his tag-attaching for the moment.

Orochimaru looked up at him. "What do you mean?" he demanded.

"Well," Gaara started, "I think there's a reason they call you the "Paedo of the Three Sannin" or "Snakey-Paedo sama."

Orochimaru was outraged. "They group me with the other two?" he yelled.

Gaara sighed. _Trust Orochimaru to ignore th__e fact that people are calling him a pervert with a thing for kids…_

"How dare they! I'll kill them all!" Orochimaru's snake like eyes took on an evil glint worse than Gaara's and he jumped from the couch. He stormed out of the room and a high-pitched shriek was heard a few seconds later.

_Oh no!_ Gaara thought. _What if he's killed my secretary?_

"My makeup!" the same high-pitched voice continued.

_No, Matsuri's fine. Orochimaru must have smudged his eye shadow while crying._

"I smudged my eye shadow while crying!" the man yelled from the bathroom. "And that was the last of my favorite purple color!" He began to sob.

_Dear Kami…_ Gaara thought. "What's with the purple?" he muttered aloud.

Orochimaru popped his head out the door, and blinked at Gaara, makeup smudged around his face. "Purple's my favorite color! It's regal!"

_Oookaaaaaaaaaay_, Gaara thought to himself. "So you like feeling like royalty?" he asked, automatically writing this down out of habit.

Orochimaru nodded, and pulled his head back into the bathroom. Once his neck was normal length, he pulled out a new container of green eye shadow and began applying it. "It makes me feel like a princess!"

Gaara stared. Then he remembered what they were doing earlier. "Hey, do you want me to activate the explosive tags?" he asked hopefully.

"Let me finish my makeup first!" Orochimaru called back from the bathroom.

_Kami, help me_, Gaara thought, sickened by the honey tone of the 'man' in the other room. "All right," he replied a few moments later.

"Hhmm, I don't think I like it. I look sick. What do you think?" Orochimaru stuck his head out the door and twisted his neck back to Gaara.

Gaara flinched slightly but didn't jump away from the head extended towards him. "No, you look fine," he said, trying to just get this darn session over with.

_If he'd just let me blow him up, then I could move on to more exciting things…_

The rope fell from Orochimaru's neck as he pulled his head back onto his body again, but Gaara didn't notice because he was busy checking his schedule to see who was next. _Oh good!_ he thought. _My next patient is an axe murderer! Finally, someone normal!_

The door to the office opened and Gaara felt a presence behind him.

Sighing, he placed his schedule back on his desk and, without turning around said, "No, Sasuke, it is not time for your Emo Sessions. Come back in an hour."

Sasuke huffed. "You say that every day. You must hate me. The world must hate me. I need to kill my brother. Vengeance!"

"I say it every day because you always come too early. Now please wait outside and don't kill anyone."

Orochimaru extended his neck for the third time. "Sasuke!" he screamed happily. He shrieked like the fan-girl he was when he saw his new container standing in the room. "Yay! It's Sasuke-kun!"

Sasuke just stood where he was, hands in his pockets and a sullen expression on his face. Then he appeared to realize something. "And they're not Emo Sessions. They're Angst Therapy Recovery Sessions."

"Yes, yes, of course they are," Gaara said, trying to sound like he cared.

Orochimaru was drooling and had big pink hearts over his eyes as he watched Sasuke sulk.

"You're ruining my carpet," Gaara told him.

"Huh? Oh, sorry!" he giggled. He began walking out of the bathroom, but his head stayed where it was as he shrunk his neck. It looked odd. "Sasuke-kun, when are you going to come to the Sound with me?" Orochimaru asked.

Sasuke spared him a pitying glance before he looked away again. "Never."

Orochimaru stopped walking and a hurt expression made its way to his face. "But-but why? I gave you a cursed seal! Is that not enough?"

Sasuke glared at him. "I don't want a cursed seal! I want to grow stronger on my own! The world hates me! I must kill my brother! Vengeance!"

The hearts came back to Orochimaru's eyes, though they were a little smaller. "I can get Kabuto to make you cookies?" he offered hopefully.

Sasuke continued to glower at the pale man. "I don't like sweets," he said after a moment.

"Oh." Orochimaru was disappointed.

"You could always plant tomatoes," Gaara suggested helpfully.

Sasuke turned his glare on the psychiatrist but Gaara didn't flinch.

"Why would I plant tomatoes?" Orochimaru asked, confused.

The door burst open again and a figure with silver-hair and bad glasses charged in, sobbing loudly. "Orochimaru's cheating on meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" the figure screamed. "He's trying to get Sasuke to the Sound to use his ! Why won't he use mine? I don't understaaannd!" the figure wailed.

"Kabuto, what are you doing here?" Orochimaru asked in confusion.

"Huh?" Kabuto looked up. "Oh, aah! Orochimaru-sama! What are you doing here?" Kabuto blushed deeply.

Sasuke looked disgusted.

Gaara sighed.

"I am here to discuss my troubles with Gaara-sama," the villain answered. "Why are you here?" he asked, a slightly accusing tone in his voice. "And what's all that about me cheating on you?"

Kabuto went even redder as he stammered a reply. "I-I uh um I just uh needed to uh check with you uh about our uh plans to uh take over the world?" he said.

"Hmmm…" Orochimaru replied. "Well, I don't think now is the time."

Kabuto nodded quickly. "Of course not, Orochimaru-sama. Forgive me!" He sent a glance in Gaara's direction that said, "I'll be waiting outside for my Getting Over a Broken Heart and Moving Past the Pain Sessions to begin."

Sasuke stared after him. "Is that guy really your right hand man?" he asked Orochimaru.

Orochimaru nodded, smiling. "Mm-hmm. I was considering making him my container at one point, but he does not have a bloodline limit so he's not good enough for me." Orochimaru's expression changed to one of joy. "But you, Sasuke-kun, are more than good enough."

Gaara wanted to throw up. This feeling was not helped by the fact that the Shukaku was screaming "Kill him! Kill him! He's making me ill!" in his head.

Sasuke just glared.

Orochimaru sighed happily and fluttered his eyelashes, bringing his hands to rest by his heart. "Well, psychiatrist-sama, I'm ready for you to blow me up now, if you want. With Sasuke-kun here, I will be able to get through anything."

"Yeah, I'm leaving now," Sasuke said, quickly rushing out the door.

Orochimaru whimpered. "He left," he said softly.

Gaara ignored him and lit the tags with his chakra.

The Shukaku laughed evilly, but had enough presence of mind to warn Gaara to try to leave the area. They would be automatically protected by Gaara's sand, but it would still be better if they didn't have to watch Orochimaru get blown to bits.

"Hmm, let me see…" Orochimaru said. "I have to work out my problems. OK. First, I want to live forever. Well, that's not going to happen if I can't get rid of these tags." He puzzled over his dilemma as Gaara snuck out the door, laughing wickedly the whole way to the reception area.

Sasuke glanced up from the chair he was sitting on in the corner of the room. "Can I have my Emo Sessions now?"

"Sure," Gaara responded in a still-malicious tone, "we can go to another room and begin your Angst Therapy Recovery Sessions right away."

Sasuke scowled. "That's what I meant."

Kabuto snorted.

Gaara sighed, and said in a joking tone of voice, "Now, now boys, no need to get all jealous of each other. After all, Paedo-kun might not make it out of his current session…" With that, he walked off down the hall before Kabuto had enough time to figure out what that meant.

Gaara held the door open for Sasuke just as a loud BANG! was heard followed by an anguished cry of "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Master, you should have used my body!"


	3. Chapter 3

The following story is brought to you by Jill's strange and demented mind. The ideas within are all her own, though the characters are owned by Kishimoto Masashi.

It has taken a really long time to write this story, and my writing style seems to have changed a lot since I began. This is the last chapter, too. I'm slightly relieved to be finished as this drew out longer than I expected, but I'm not sure if I really did cover _all_ of Orochimaru's issues.

**The Woes of Orochimaru Part III**

Recap:

_Sasuke glanced up from the chair he was sitting on in the corner of the room. "Can I have my Emo Sessions now?"_

"_Sure," Gaara responded in a still-malicious tone, "we can go to another room and begin your Angst Therapy Recovery Sessions right away."_

_Sasuke scowled. "That's what I meant."_

_Kabuto snorted._

_Gaara sighed, and said in a joking tone of voice, "Now, now boys, no need to get all jealous of each other. After all, Paedo-kun might not make it out of his current session…" With that, he walked off down the hall before Kabuto had enough time to figure out what that meant._

_Gaara held the door open for Sasuke just as a loud BANG! was heard followed by an anguished cry of "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Master, you should have used my body!"_

* * *

Gaara listened to Sasuke emo-ing (the verb form of the noun and adjective 'emo'; another way to describe 'angst') with half-hearted interest. Inside, he was gloating over the fact that he finally, finally, managed to eliminate the one person that had been bothering him for the last two weeks, and, more specifically, the last two hours.

Orochimaru had been blown to bits by the many, many explosive tags Gaara had attached to him. Sure, Gaara would have to suffer a very boring session with Kabuto in about an hour, during which the silver-haired man would most likely cry for a long time over the loss of his 'Oro-kun', but Gaara figured it was worth it, as long as Orochimaru was dead.

Which he was.

Gaara was sure of it.

Sasuke sniffed from the corner, where he sat, arms crossed and looking huffy, in the darkest part of the room. Gaara wasn't sure if he positioned his chair purposely so that the light fell across him in just the right way to make him look shadowed and angsty, and, for fan-girls, 'so hot, and sexy, and alone! Kyaaa!', but he did know that it could not be healthy for anyone to spend that much time brooding. And if Sasuke _was_ practicing his angsting, well that was really bad.

"You know, Sasuke, the point in these sessions is for you to talk to me about your problems. Coming here to sulk isn't going to help you," Gaara said.

"I'm not sulking. I'm deliberating. I don't know what to say to you that I haven't said before. My brother killed my whole family and left me with a severe mental condition, where I am forced to hate him and live the lonely life of an avenger. Naruto is growing stronger than me, and faster, too. He even defeated you! I don't know what to do anymore!" Sasuke said.

_Wow, I think that's the most I've ever heard him say in one go_, Gaara mused.

_Yeah_, Shukaku responded.

"You could try training with him," Gaara suggested aloud. "If he's getting strong quickly, maybe mimicking his methods or at least learning with him would allow you to—"

"I'm not training with that dobe! Not outside team training with Kakashi, anyway!" Sasuke shouted. "He's an idiot! What could I possibly learn from him?"

Gaara sighed. "It sounds to me like your only other option is to go with Orochimaru, then."

Sasuke paled and took on a horrified expression. "Never," he hissed.

There is an old saying that goes something like this: Speak of the Devil, and he shall appear.

So it should have been of little surprise to both boys in the room when Orochimaru walked in, smiling stupidly and looking ridiculously happy as he waved at Gaara.

However, Gaara was immediately began spluttering and choking on air as he said, "You—you—not possible—you—you."

Orochimaru continued waving. "Hi, Gaara-sama! Hello, Sasuke-kun!"

Sasuke looked up and sighed. "Are you going to follow me everywhere?" he asked.

"Yes!" Orochimaru declared.

The door opened again, and Kabuto charged in. "Orochimaru-chan! You're alive!" he cried.

Orochimaru turned to Kabuto with the same expression Sasuke had worn a few seconds ago. "Are you going to follow me everywhere?" he asked ironically.

"Yes!" Kabuto declared.

Gaara blinked. _They're all insane_, he realized.

_No duh_, Shukaku replied. _Why else would they be here?_

_Shut up_. "Why don't you go have your joyful reunion outside, hmm?" he asked as calmly as he could.

"Because I want to tell you how I got out! And what I realized while I was being blown up!" Orochimaru said.

"Fine," Gaara said, pinching his nose in an effort to stop the already-building headache.

"I used the cool snake-skin thingy I can do! You know, where I climb out of my mouth and leave the old me behind?"

Everyone in the room threw up, including Kabuto, although he somehow managed to look at Orochimaru lovingly as he did so, thus causing Gaara and Sasuke to vomit that much more.

"Of course, I realized that the only way I would get away from the explosive tags, and my problems, would be if I climbed away and left them behind!" Orochimaru said, still smiling happily, and using an 'epiphany voice'.

"I see," Gaara said, wiping his mouth.

Sasuke looked around. "Do you have a bathroom? I want to rinse my mouth out."

Gaara pointed the way, and Sasuke quickly left.

Kabuto glared at his back, until the door slammed shut, and then Kabuto glared at it.

"So now I don't even have to worry about the Akatsuki stealing all my nail polish when I left!" Orochimaru said.

"Huh?" Gaara asked, unwillingly intrigued.

"Oh, when I was in the Akatsuki, before I tried to steal Itachi-kun's body, I used to paint my nails. Well, the leader thought that was a good idea, so he painted his nails, too, then everybody painted their nails. Then I tried to merge with Itachi," Orochimaru ignored the violent puking on Gaara's part when he made that 'innocent' comment, and continued speaking, "and they kicked me out. And they wouldn't let me take my nail polish. I had 1,782 bottles of Pearly Purple Shininess, too." Orochimaru sighed sadly, before recovering. "Oh, well. I can always buy more. Besides, they didn't get my eye shadow!"

"Right…" Gaara said. _I need to end this session fast. There is no way I will last until the end of the day if he keeps talking_.

"Kabuto, why are you in here? I am having a private psycho-therapy session? Go stalk Sasuke or something," Orochimaru said.

Kabuto blinked. "I thought you were the one to stalk Sasuke."

"That's true. But go away. I'm having an enlightening session with my shrink," Orochimaru said.

"But I'm so happy to see you alive; I can't leave now!" Kabuto protested.

"Ugh, fine. But sit down and be quiet. I'm getting to the exciting part."

Gaara waited as patiently as he could for Orochimaru to talk, say what he had to say, shut up, and then leave.

"So, once I realized that I had to climb out of my mouth to get away from the blast, I quickly did that, and did a replacement technique for your secretary's desk!"

Gaara mentally made a note to check on Matsuri as soon as possible.

"I'm all cured now!"

"Good for you. That means this session is over and you will never have to return here again." Gaara resisted the urge to cheer loudly.

"Huh? Oh, I guess that's right," Orochimaru said, giggling slightly at the thought.

"Goodbye," Gaara said, walking over to the door and holding it open, hoping Orochimaru would take the hint and leave.

"So soon? But, I feel like we should say more about me getting blown up!" Orochimaru protested, looking sad. Then he brightened. "I see! I shouldn't dwell on the past! Now that my many issues are behind me, I should move on and just be the confident villain I have always wanted to be!"

"Yes, and you can use those Villain Classes, too," Gaara said sarcastically.

"Oh yeah!" Orochimaru squealed happily, his eyes shining with joy. "You have been so helpful! I'm recommending you to all my friends! You're such a good shrink!" he told Gaara.

Gaara got a bad feeling about this. "Who are your friends?"

"Well, the Akatsuki, of course," Orochimaru replied.

"Even though they stole your nail polish and you tried to… steal the body of one of their members?"

"It would have worked out, too, if he hadn't used his Mangekyou to show me a world with no Sharingan. It paralyzed me in fear!"

_Dear, Kami_.

"But yes, despite all that, they are my friends! I think you particularly need to see one of them, his name is Hidan. He's got a few screws loose, if you know what I mean."

Gaara thought about this for a moment, he really did. He considered it long and hard and thought of both the pros and the cons. If he saw this 'Hidan', he would be helping someone who needed therapy so bad, even Orochimaru noticed it. On the other hand, being a shrink was tiring, and after only a month of seeing Orochimaru, Gaara wanted to kill himself, and then the pale man. So maybe taking on another client was a bad idea. He nodded at this conclusion. "I'll consider it," he said aloud.

_You moron, you said you'd think about it_, Shukaku said.

_I did? Oh crap! Take it back! Take it back!_ Gaara mentally shouted.

_It's your mouth; you do it._

_Says the big lump of sand that always used me to kill people before…_ However, when Gaara ended his mental conversation, Orochimaru was looking impossibly happy. Gaara sighed deeply.

Orochimaru stopped talking, and then put on a sad face. "I'll miss you, too, Gaara-sama!" he wailed, walking forward to do… something.

_Oh my Kami, is he trying to take my body?_ Gaara shouted in his head. _If he is, eat him when he comes in here, Shukaku!_

_On it!_ the Sand Raccoon replied.

"You look frightened," Orochimaru said. "All I want is a hug."

Shukaku burst out laughing. Gaara began to cry.

Orochimaru cried, too, although he didn't know why. All he knew was Gaara was crying, so he should also. "Don't cry, Gaara-sama! I'll make sure I visit you often!" he said, wrapping his arms around Gaara and holding him close.

_Aagh! I'm being hugged by Orochimaru! Someone, kill me!_

_Me too!_ Shukaku screamed.

"I want a hug!" Kabuto said.

Orochimaru waved him over, and suddenly, Gaara was being smooshed by a pale pedophile and his assistant.

_Why isn't your sand doing anything?_ he demanded of Shukaku.

_We aren't technically in danger_, the demon replied.

_That's baloney. Save me!_

Gaara tried to get free, but, when the door opened again and Sasuke entered with his mouth all clean, Gaara was still being hugged by both Kabuto and Orochimaru.

"What the vengeance?" Sasuke said.

"Save me!" Gaara cried, as he pushed against his two assailants to no avail.

Sasuke stared.

"Um, hello? I said 'Save me!'," Gaara repeated when he realized that Sasuke wasn't doing anything.

Sasuke kept staring.

"Do something, you idiot! I'm being hugged by a pedophile who wants your body!" he tried.

Sasuke slowly backed out of the room.

"Come back here, you chicken! I won't help you with your angsting if you leave now!" Gaara called desperately.

Sasuke turned when he reached the door, and quickly ran away.

"Gaah!" Gaara shouted in frustration, now attempting to use his sand to pry them off. It wasn't working.

"I love my psychiatrist-sama!" Orochimaru squealed. "And I will never leave you!"

"Aagh!" In a last attempt to free himself and preserve his little remaining sanity, Gaara called his sand around him, and constructed his Ultimate Defense. "Ah, I'm saved!"

"Gaara-sama, don't you want a hug?" Orochimaru called from outside the big sand ball.

_There are two downsides to this technique_, Shukaku began in a casual tone. _The first is that you can't move anywhere while using it. The second is that the air eventually becomes stale in here, and you can't breathe, unless you make a small hole. If you make a hole—_

—_they can get in_, Gaara finished. _Dagnammit. We'll have to go with Plan B._

_We have a 'Plan B'? What is it?_

Gaara mentally smirked in reply. He smirked on the outside, too, but no one could see that, so the effect would be lost for Shukau. _Wait and see, my friend, wait and see_.

The sand shell around him dissolved, revealing Orochimaru crying into a hanky, and Kabuto rubbing his back gently, trying to calm him down.

Gaara swallowed the bile rising in his throat, and tried to smile kindly at them.

It must not have worked because Orochimaru just cried further.

Gaara shrugged. "Your session is over Orochimaru. Please leave. Kabuto, you can sit down there, as Sasuke has left."

Orochimaru looked up. "Why didn't you let me hug you?"

"I don't want a hug."

Orochimaru looked shocked. "Why not?"

"Because you are my patient and it violates the professional relationship we hold," Gaara said, feeling smug that he had won.

"But I'm not your patient anymore! My problems are solved!" Orochimaru said, closing in for another hug.

"I also don't like hugs. Plus, if you think about it, we're technically enemies now that you have killed my father and the invasion of Konoha fell through," Gaara pointed out.

"Ah, did you have to bring that up again?" Orochimaru whined. He paused and took a deep breath. "It's okay. I will get over it. I will be strong. And I'll just try to invade Konoha again later," he said calmly. He looked around, surprised. "Hey, it works! I really _am_ cured! You're such a great shrink!"

"GO AWAY!" Gaara screamed in frustration.

Kabuto and Orochimaru looked at him, surprised.

"You don't really mean that," Orochimaru said teasingly after a few moments.

Gaara allowed Shukaku's body to form around him, focusing especially on his face. As his eyes went into the odd yellow-green of the One-tailed Beast, Kabuto freaked out and ran away, but Orochimaru remained where he was.

"I know you'd never hurt me! You're just trying to make sure I'm really cured!" He tried to hug Gaara again, but Gaara finally cracked.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" he screamed, no longer holding Shukaku back.

Surprisingly, Shukaku did not take advantage of this momentary lap in Gaara's sanity to transform and kill stuff. He was too shocked himself, and too busy mentally screaming about how 'Creepy pedophiles should not be allowed to hug anyone' to notice that he technically could take over and do whatever he wanted.

Orochimaru merely watched passively as Gaara screamed in rage, annoyance, irritation, frustration, and something else. When Gaara finally paused for air, Orochimaru said, "So, I'll tell Pein-san to contact you and begin setting up appointments for—"

Gaara's shouts once more cut the pale villain off. "That's it! I quit! I am a psychiatrist no more!" Gaara shouted. "Sort out your own problems! I'm gonna go become Kazekage!" With that, Gaara ran from the room, ignoring everyone he passed in his goal to get away from Orochimaru and his issues.

"Looks like psychiatrist-sama needs to go see… a psychiatrist-sama," Orochimaru said, giggling at his own joke.

He found Kabuto in the lobby, where the silver-haired glasses-wearer was throwing things at Sasuke (_too bad Gaara quit; Kabuto obviously needed that session_, Orochimaru thought), and left the building after making one last promise/threat/lust-filled pedophiliac statement to Sasuke about how the boy should come to the Sound with them.

Sasuke merely 'hn'ed and went back to sulking in the corner. Apparently, news that Gaara was no longer a psychiatrist hadn't registered with him yet, but Orochimaru figured that as soon as it did, Sasuke would no longer be able to suppress the Cursed Seal, and then he would come to Oto willingly for Orochimaru's power.

It seemed the sessions with Gaara hadn't fully removed Orochimaru's ability to chuckle manically, as he let out a short 'kukuku.'

Gaara, meanwhile, sneezed violently in the storage closet he and Matsuri (who he found in the lobby hiding under her chair) were hiding in until everyone left. He wasn't sure how long it would take, but he was prepared to sit there for a week if necessary.

Anything to prevent Orochimaru from harassing him _again_.

Little did he know that being Kazekage would be no different.

* * *

A year later, Gaara stood on the balcony, waving at his citizens. He was now Kazekage, and the few weeks he had worked as a psychiatrist were long forgotten.

That is, until he heard a shrill fan-girl squeal and a 'hn'.

Gaara looked down at the crowd, and fainted.

Orochimaru, wearing tourist clothing and sporting a visor to shield his pale face from the hot sun of the desert, and Sasuke and Kabuto, were standing in the crowd, waving up at him.

The last thing Gaara thought before blacking out was _Oh no, not again_…


End file.
